tobyfolwick.com

So much has happened in the last couple of years I don’t know where to begin. 2008 kicked off with a brain cancer diagnosis, 2009 kicked off with a wedding and crashed with a divorce. I moved to St. Paul into a building that I wanted to live in since 1988; in hindsight I should have chosen something cheap. I don’t really know where 2010 went except that I met Amy and we filled every weekend with fun. I saw 2 of the best concerts of my life in 2010. One was the Americana Showcase at the James J. Hill Library in downtown St. Paul. That show came after a lovely dinner at Kincaid’s (filet mignon anyone?). The other show - and you can tell these were good shows because this all happened last year and I’m just writing about it now - was Watson Twins, Amos Lee, and Brandi Carlile at the State Fair. The meal that night I think was a couple Pronto Pups and a bag o’ mini-donuts. Tasty, but not quite as classy. One thing I know for sure is that I really feel alive nowadays. Life is at times unbelievably hard and easier than ever in turns.

So, back to the title of this post. Historically, I think that I’ve always been able to retreat into a little “Toby” world to deal with stress. Sometimes that world was called retail therapy, but I’m not wanting that world any more. Too much stuff to move when I change addresses. SO, I’m trying to work out a new way to handle things. I used to write sometimes to deal with stress, but the lightning bolt inspiration method hasn’t worked since they chopped out a quarter of my brain in 2008. BUT I think that might be something I can work on - I have some inspriations to write about, and some ideas that were planted several years ago and documented somewhere. Hopefully I’ll find that documentation in my next move - out of Lowertown St. Paul.

Funny, ignorance is bliss. I never would have thought it. Giving up isn’t that hard to do. Everybody seems to be doing it these days, it’s so fashionable. There’s a green light on 5th and Wall right now, and I’ll take that as a sign. I’ve been digging in to a few things lately, one of the things I’m looking at is called “Stop Praying.” From what I gather so far, it’s about real life-change. I wouldn’t categorize it under self-help by any means. It’s general concept is pretty straightforward though. If you want real change in your life, stop praying about it and start making it. So that’s what I’ve started doing. To the extent I’ve created the situation that I’m currently in, I know what I did wrong. I stopped believing in love. I stopped a long time ago. Now that I think of it, it was probably around the time I graduated from college. I’ve always lived my life learning from other people’s experiences. I’ve had my own, but I think people generally have good advice as far as what NOT to do. A piece of bad advice I received and took to heart is that I have to be more forgiving. NO I DON’T. If you’re a jackass, you’re a jackass. Go be a jackass with another jackass and leave me out of it. I’m a smart guy. I came from good people. If I need advice, I’ll ask. So, I listen to the wrong person occasionally, I’ll take responsibility for that. Some people are convincing when it comes to earning trust. So I’ve been convinced a couple times. They’re not making anything better for anyone now, except themselves. And that’s not how I want to live either. If I’ve learned anything from the last couple years of my life, it’s that I’ve earned an exclamation point for the end of the way I used to live. Trust your heart, trust your intelligence, and the rest will work out on it’s own… For you, maybe it’s different, and I won’t give you any advice either way unless you ask for it.

it’s weird, when you can’t do other life things how empty technology becomes. I’ve always been one who considers technology a life enriching thing.

well, post-brain surgery, when everyone is telling me that I’m doing so well on the path to recovery and all that - I’m sitting here, I’ve got the iPod and a fast computer and a television, etc. and what I really want to do sometimes is go outside and watch traffic. I counted 3 tan cars in one field of view yesterday and that was a highlight for me.

what’s more than that - this has been a highlight for me (though it requires technology to visit: Caring Bridge) simply because there is some interaction there. I’m sure there are some silver linings in what I’m going through - one is that I’m still alive. At the risk of a jinx, I might say that things have almost gone too well for something that involves me. I tend to get rockier roads than I feel I should. But I seem to make it fine mostly.

I’m just happy I still remember the things that I remember - which is just about everything. Including those things that I know about you that could get you in trouble.

Not quite 40 yet, but I know I’m going to see that birthday - just need to determine what the live music is going to be at my birthday party.

man I love poetry. it’s dangerous though. I’m buried in work to the level that I’ll be working 14 days straight and that leaves me a little tired. when I’m tired I can get melancholy. then add some of your old poetry - basically journal entries from the past in short little lines to get the point across faster.

I can imagine where I was in stanzas of my own poetry, and in words of other people’s work. it’s 2am right now, not sleeping, thinking of places that I was. thinking of things that I said that I meant at the moment I said them, but didn’t mean 5 minutes later.

what’s worse, sometimes those things I said were because I somehow thought that that’s what I was supposed to say - maybe somewhere down the road I would be thankful for saying that one thing because it improved my life somehow. Here’s one that I’ve said 1,001 times: “No chance in Hell.”

Maybe I’ve grown into more of an optimist. It seems more like there’s always a chance - but then I wanted to save someone else from trying to love me, or save my pride when someone fired me from a job, but called to ask me back.

side story: when asked “do you want a merry-go-round life or a carousel?” my answer (then?) “I think they’d both make me sick.”

In my late teens I thought o O (roller coaster ride would be more fun)

Then I started dating and have wished for carousel since.

I guess I need to adapt more quickly - before more chances pass by.

I haven’t written that poem yet - maybe I should just on the off chance that I remember I wrote poems once, and need a moment to recall who I was.

I’ve been writing a ton lately - I’ve always had a lot to say - but the writing part of my brain works entirely differently.  When I’m talking I sort of wander around making analogies and describing.  An example:  yesterday at work I said, “Am I the only one who feels like we’re fixing the air conditioning in a car that doesn’t run?”  When I write - all the describing just sort of happens.  It wasn’t always this way - I’ll admit.  I found a story - one of 2 fictional stories that I’ve ever completed - that I lost somewhere around 1998.  I found it, and I’m going to type it up so I don’t lose it again - and I’m going to show it to one person who has already read it and was (I guess) sorta trying to help me find it.  But I have a different idea now about writing.  I have a different idea about many of the creative type things I do.  They’re for me now.  That’s vague I know, but I’m going to do that thing I do and wander for a sec.

When I was 17 I went to the art supply store and bought a big pad of newsprint and some chalk pastels with my friend Larry.  We went to the mall which had a big open space in the middle.  I laid down on the floor (in the middle of the mall) and started drawing these huge pastel drawings.  We were there for at least a couple hours.  Within 10 minutes we were completely surrounded by people 4 or 5 deep (which I didn’t notice at first.)  When I noticed, I started tearing drawings out of the book, rolling them up and handing them to people.  I did 15 or 20 drawings and gave them all away.  Then the rent-a-cops told us that we had to go because the second story balcony was starting to fill up with people too, and the stores called them and asked if they would remove us.  We packed up and left.  This whole fountain area was full of pastel dust.  I can barely remember what those drawings looked like (except one) and I wish I had it now.

I’ll stop the wandering and say, “same thing with poems, same thing with stories.”  I’ve always given that stuff away - freely.  Then I heard someone tell me my own story.  Not to sound too dippy - a whole bunch of bad “energy” showed up.  For the last couple years I’ve been trying to eliminate that darkness, and about 95% of the time it’s gone.   I hate when it comes back - it’s painful.

The point of all this is that now that I’m writing again, I’m going to put it all in a well - a box or something, for someone to find when I’m an old man - or when I’m dead or something.  Maybe I’ll put a note on the top - I’ve been known to do this - that says: “If you find this…  use it in whatever way you feel like.”  Maybe I’ll get some post-mortem karma.  There’s never enough of that for a guy that’s made the kind of mistakes I’ve made.

I had a great day today - spent a chunk of it in my new garage playing.  I got a free oven off of craigs list today.  I’m going to bake paint in it, and make soap on the top.  yay!  more stuff to do in the home-away-from-home.  I’ve got an Airstream fridge just dying to go in there too.  and a Senseo.  drinks for all seasons!

I sanded wood today ’cause I’m making myself a workbench.  thank god for dust collection.

it’s early - and I had HBO on in the background while working on a website - don’t do this late at night while watching HBO because you might end up with some soft porn playing gently in the background.  in my case, loudly.  *MUTE*  whoops!

night-night.

This week in 1967, Otis Redding is killed when his tour plane crashes into Lake Monona near Madison, Wisconsin… the “Love Man” is 26… killed with Redding are the pilot and four members of his backup group, the Bar-Kays… the scheduled warm up band for Redding’s show that evening is a group called The Grim Reaper…

so… 2 of my favorite musicians died in the state in which I now live.

The other?  Stevie Ray Vaughn

…to having my garage.  this weekend was a combo of good and bad - got a cold so I’m sick and can’t do much with the tremendous weather.  I managed to go get myself a power sprayer to clean off the walls in my garage - the higher temperature making my cold feel just a little better.  Enough better to push my motorcycles to the garage (they have “character” meaning “I don’t work unless it’s 65 degrees or better”)

so I’m pushing the parts bike, half put together, down main street - and some jerk comes out of the pharmacy (my guess, refilling his viagra) and says, “I suppose you get better gas mileage that way huh?”)  I couldn’t manage anything witty so I just thought “shut up.” and kept pushing.  This town is so small I bet 30% of it’s population knows someone just moved in to that old garage.  I better get some shades on the window or I might end up with a crowd if I weld something.

on the banjo front - since it was mentioned in comments - I’ve got the forward rolls down, but am having a time with the reverse rolls.  what this means to the general population is: If you can tap the theme from the lone ranger on a desk with your finger tips, try doing it backward.  Once you get that down, stop halfway through and change directions.  That’s banjo.  I feel a little like the banjo version of Zoolander.  It’s always been so, but won’t always be.  If it’s going to be a long winter, well then I have time don’t I?

One other thing, since I don’t post often anymore.  Someone at the Vintage Airstream Club has taken an idea a bunch of us had in the late 90’s and run with it.  in 1959 and 1960 Wally Byam (the inventor of the Airstream) took 41 trailers (and 41 couples) to Africa to go from Capetown to Cairo.  Only 29 trailers made the trip in the end due to breakdowns etc.  Sounds like they’re going to do it again, and I’m all in on this one.  I talked to my friend from Africa and asked him what language to learn (he said “bring a translator”) and if I would be robbed (he said “yes” without even thinking about it.)  But then he started teaching me North Sutu, said South Sutu was close, told me not to learn Afrikaans (which is his native language) and then said maybe I should learn Swahili.  I’ll just use the translator I think.  One trip to Africa may just be enough.  And hopefully we’ll have some Land Rovers running along side us with armed personel.

and that’s the news.

I was just watching this show SuperBikes! and saw this guy I used to work with talking about his son Aaron Colton.  He’s a stunter - wheelies, stoppies and all kinds of stuff I don’t know the name of.  Check him out, he’s amazing: Aaron Colton - you’re not going to believe it. Oh - and he’s 14 years old.

so I’m about to become the proud owner of a building in my town.  my offer was accepted and now it’s all about signing the papers and grabbing the keys.  It’s an industrial building - like a tiny little warehouse, but a perfect place for me to store the motorcycles, cars and trailer.

I could almost pee I’m so excited.